A Letter to Church Leaders

Consideration for why your staff and congregation are leaving

It’s been exactly one year since I gave an exit interview at my previous church.

Photo by Yener Ozturk on Unsplash

The interviews were initially being conducted by the board and elders due to a somewhat alarming number of exits taking place by church staff. Though I don’t really know the reason why, or what they intended to do with these interviews, I knew I wanted in.

I had already left my position in July 2021, and was never asked for an exit interview at the time. However, I requested (demanded?) one from the Office Administrator before leaving. I wanted some things to be communicated clearly, for my narrative to be told, and for it to be on the record.

So, I sat with the OA (also a fellow member of the Executive Team), said my piece, had it included in my file, and left.

We tried to keep attending the church, partly for appearances that things were “okay,” but mostly for stability for our young son at the time. And to be honest, to hold on to some semblance of community. To feel like we might still have friends.

As is often the case for many pastors and church staff members, we moved to this area and left behind all we had ever known to take this position, and had no support system in place when we arrived. This would have to become our community and safety net.

Three years later, that net disintegrated.

By October of the same year, we knew we could no longer stay. So, we left.

Almost two years later, I heard about the exit interviews happening, and found it curious that no one had contacted me. You see, without trying to seem self-important, I had a rather prominent (or at least very visible) role at the church, served as part of the Executive Team, and was the only other ordained pastor on staff at the time. I thought they might want to hear why I chose to leave.

So, I reached out to them and requested an interview. It was granted.

I spoke with my counselor, wife, and friends before the interview. I prepared as well as I could, and tried to remember all my regulating exercises. The time came, and I shared as openly, honestly, and frankly as I could.

I’m not sure if I had any expectations of what would come of it. In my realism (pessimism?), I don’t think I expected anything. At best, there might be a follow up call, or a few changes communicated.

To my knowledge and to no one’s surprise, nothing has changed. No one has followed up.

A few days after my interview, I sent a follow up email as a sort of open letter to the elders and board. I hoped to communicate and clarify a few more things I didn’t want misinterpreted, and to offer resources that might help make sense of the many exits taking place.

I sent it exactly a year ago tomorrow. There was never a response, not even an acknowledgment of receipt. Who knows, maybe it landed in their junk mail?

I share this with you today as a reminder. My body remembered. Yours likely does (or will) too. Maybe you want to share your own story and don’t know how or where to start. Maybe you’ll find it helpful. Maybe you’re just curious what others have written and shared. I hope you hear a heart that desires to speak the truth in love, and has an undying hope for the Church.

The following is the full contents of my letter to them, with names removed.

---

Dear A & B,

Thank you again for providing me with the opportunity to share my story with you in what I assume to be a safe place. It feels liberating and freeing to finally be able to be heard by leadership at the church, and simultaneously discouraging that it has taken this long. I still find myself a bit confused as to why it has taken this long, when many of my thoughts were indeed on record and in my file from almost 2 years ago.

In addition to what was shared with you last Wednesday, I wanted to provide some additional insights. It's taken me a few more days to get my thoughts together.

The work you are doing with these exit interviews is extremely important. It is both a sacred space as you bear witness to the stories of those who left, and also a place to enter with great caution. Allow me to explain.

I outlined my reasons for leaving my position at the church. What I did not share was that I felt that as a leader in the church, as part of the Executive Team, and as an ordained pastor (I believe I was the only other one on staff at the time)*, I felt that my continued presence on staff would serve as an endorsement of [pastor] C and his behavior, and I could no longer in good conscience remain there.

*An aside: an ordained pastor, I find it alarming, disappointing, and telling that more questions were not asked of me by the board and elders on why I left when I did. Virtually no one reached out to me after leaving, and I felt treated as though I had been cast out, with all contact cut off. This is a repeated issue you need to examine for yourselves as a leadership.

The longer I stayed, the more I became complicit in C's actions, behaviors, and systems. The more I learned and knew about what was happening behind the scenes as an Executive Team member, the more I knew I had a choice to make: stay and continue to fight for the staff and church, stay and become complicit, or leave. I feel that I stayed and fought for as long as I could, protecting the staff from many of C’s impulses and decisions. By the end of 2020, my health was at risk, I was having regular panic attacks (to the point of blacking out) and I knew I could no longer remain.

As I began to think and pray about how to "leave well," things continued to get worse for me in both my professional and personal relationship with C. I knew I had to leave, but also knew that this was my family's sole source of income and insurance. Given the choice and opportunity, I would have submitted my notice in January of 2021. Out of fear for my family's well-being, I endured. I sat through multiple meetings with C to negotiate what an exit plan might look like, and despite assurances from D and C that we would be taken care of, there was a very real and visceral fear that I would simply lose everything.

We spoke briefly during my interview about unbalanced power dynamics, and this is how it plays out: I stayed for an additional 5 months out of fear. Fear of losing pay, insurance, and community. After what felt like many painful conversations and negotiations, I received 4 weeks of pay and one additional month of insurance.

I don't know what the board or elders or staff were told, but I did not leave to "pursue healing" or out of a sense that "God was leading" in any way. I want to be clear: I left because I could no longer work with or for C, or be complicit in his continued toxic leadership. I did not have another job lined up.

However, I knew I could no longer hope to be healthy and maintain integrity while working with or for [church] X. 

To return to my point about staff turnover: your website currently has 18 staff listed. Since 2019, X has lost 17 employees to turnover or attrition. 4 of them left within 6-7 months or less. Remember the quote from Shannan Martin: “Turning on the lights poses no danger. It simply shows us what was already in the room.”

As the leadership of X, you must also examine how you are now the keepers of information and truth, and how with every week that passes without meaningful action or change, you are now complicit as well.

There are big and difficult questions that need to be asked and addressed. To be honest, I don't know that anyone on the board or elder team is qualified (or trusted) to be asking them. I would recommend reaching out to a third party like Chuck DeGroat or Wade Mullen to help gather the information to honestly and fully assess what has been happening at X.

In case I didn't say it clearly enough in my interview, I want to say it again. What I experienced at X under the leadership of C and his team was spiritual abuse and religious trauma. It is my absolute belief that others have now left under the same circumstances, and my understanding that the abuses have only gotten worse, and more frequent.

These are strong words, and I am highly aware and intentional in my use of them. Again, I urge you to read at least the following books for yourself as a leadership:

• Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church, Diane Langberg

• When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse, Chuck DeGroat

• Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Tactics of Abuse—and Freeing Yourself From Its Power, Wade Mullen

• A Church Called TOV: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing, Scot McKnight & Laura Barringer

There are many more I could recommend if you finish those. Having read over 20 books on the topics of trauma, spiritual abuse, narcissism and gaslighting; having led multiple 6-week cohorts for others around the world who have experienced similar situations; and creating a 3-day Summit featuring over 25 speakers, authors, and therapists on the topic, I feel I can use those terms with a depth of knowledge and understanding, and with authority.

The longer the system and culture are allowed to function as they are, the more you continue to endanger and harm those under it. As the leadership of the church, you are responsible. The more you hear these stories and not move to act or change something, the more you become complicit. Not taking action is taking action. Again, this was ultimately what led to my decision to leave X. 

As you continue to listen to these conversations and interviews, I would challenge you to ask yourselves:

• Do you find yourself in a posture to listen to and defend those who left, or those who stay?

• Who do you feel more inclined to believe? Why?

• What narratives were we told (or not told) about why so many have left and under what circumstances?

• How much did we actually know from the sources, and how much were we simply told what we "needed" to know?

• Beyond the staff, have we talked to board members and elders who have left in the last 4 years? E, F, others?

• What patterns have emerged in hearing these stories, and how do you plan to address them?

As I close, I want to reiterate my heart for the "big C" Church. I love the church. I know what she could be. And when I see what it looks like now, my heart breaks. My desire is not to hurt or harm C, but to see him get the help he needs. He is not healthy, and he is not ok. And everyone under his leadership is suffering for his inability to seek and get help. He does not need protecting or defending—he needs help.

I needed lots of help, too. It's why I started going to counseling and receiving coaching. It's how I began to process the years of pain and hurt from my past so I could face and reconcile it to move forward more healthy and whole. And I am a different man today than I was when I left X in July 2021.

The Church belongs to God, not to any man. And God will continue to provide for and lead the Church. There is no spiritual Father of any church but God. Any man who claims otherwise claims to be God. We are all spiritual brothers and sisters, under the headship and leadership of God. We are the body of Christ, none more or less important than the other. We are designed and fitted together, with Christ at the head.

Thank you again for your time, and for allowing me to share my additional thoughts. If you have any questions or thoughts, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Together with Him,

Brian

---