I was really struck by your not leaving to "'find healing'"—I'm quoting your quotes because this was eerily almost word for word what I said to my sister this week, as I went no-contact with my entire abusive family. It's been nearly two years of trying to work with them and address the issues, but they refuse to be worked with—and say things like that, that my no-contact is for me, 'to find healing.' Yes; but really I'm stepping away from the knife that caused the wound. "Find healing" implies somehow that it is my problem, and sounds very gracious and therapeutic, without taking a shred of responsibility for the hurt.
Am I reading too deeply into your comment, by relating your experience with mine? I'm shocked that this could be a larger (language) pattern from people who refuse to take accountability.
Hi Deryn, thanks so much for responding. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. I believe the phrase I used in my letter was that I was not leaving to "pursue healing."
I don't think it's too much to relate, and I'm sorry it's been so difficult. These things always are. I've found that leaving to "find or pursue healing" has often been used as a way to dismiss those who choose (or are forced) to leave toxic and abusive environments. It is unfortunately quite common in my experience.
Oh friend. I don’t really want to like this post, but there’s no heartbreak icon and I want to honor your sincerity and vulnerability. God will not waste your pain. I’m so sorry for the abuse and trauma you experienced, and praise God for your healing.
I could have literally copy and pasted this letter and sent it to the leadership of my former church as it captured exactly my own sentiments. I did end up sending an email with a similar intent, and not as eloquently written. But the response nonetheless (or lack of response) was the same. Sorry Brian that you went through this, and sorry that so many of us have similar experiences.
Thank you. This is direct, while gentle, and well communicated. I appreciate your attempt to leave well, and I hope you can continue to come back from the wounding.
I also could copy and paste this letter to my former church leadership team. It continues to baffle me (although maybe it shouldn't anymore) at how common and similar these experiences are. It makes me look to God and ask what He is doing, because He is clearly up to something. I thank God that I see, but I've never understood the phrase "ignorance is bliss" more than I do today. WHEN will these toxic leaders and their complicit support systems WAKE UP? HOW many more precious people will be harmed, before the tide turns? I'm grateful for the healing in my heart, which has happened through lots of hard work and only with God's miraculous healing power. I appreciate your voice and your courage to speak out, with the voice that isn't intended to harm, but to heal. Your example is one I want to follow.
Brian, This is so beautifully written. It is so direct and yet still compassionate to the cause of God’s bigger Church and the hope (though unlikely) that the offender/s may be softened to see their acts against God and His people. I have followed your Summits and I can see the “beauty from ashes” that has come. Thank you for sharing this intimate look into your journey. God is not mocked. All will come to light. It is so sad and painful to be and see others in its wake. I am so grateful for your focus on healing and HOPE! It bothers me that so many get stuck in the muck (they aren’t to blame, of course!) and I am beyond thankful for your role in changing that!! Hope matters! There is STILL so much good happening in healthy churches and believers all around. It needs to be tapped into to add bits of joy to the long journey of healing. We have recently changed churches (just as the body, not on staff) and it was hard, but has made a world of difference in each one of our family. Well done on the Exit. At least you know you did your part in trying to shed the light in a dark corner. With much appreciation, your Sister in Christ, Bonnie
I've been listening to John Burke (Imagine the God of Heaven) and Randy Kay (Near Death Experiences). Feeling. Feelings get talked about a lot. Especially love. An NDE experience overwhelmingly is describing experiencing love FROM Jesus ENORMOUSLY.
Somewhere along the way, I remember Jim Wilder (Life Model Works, Joy Starts Here) saying attachment pain is the most painful thing we experience. Church cultures are not centered around being seen (Curt Thompson "We all come looking for someone looking for us. And it never goes away.") and requiring belonging. Dallas Willard defines love at paying attention. This generation of pastors has no recognition of that, that our core design in His image. At least in the "evangelical" realm. (I mean evangelical as theology, not politically.) The acquisition and competition model for organization, NOT Jesus love model has been fully embraced and created this widespread spiritual abuse culture.
I think what you are doing is important and it will help Scot McKnight define what is wrong and, ultimately, sin. I hope that you will develop what you see as needed to teach young people wanting to pastor what Jesus wants. Educating people, especially future "elders", is critical because confronting power is costly.
My wife decline to do an exit interview, ironically only offered after she was fired. Before that unanimous elder decision, no one talked to her. No one asked for her side of the story. The 12 elders just took the senior pastor at his word. Sadly, I found that the interaction between the religious leaders and the healed blind man in John 9 matched our experience, including their rhetorical question in John 9:34, “You were born entirely in sin," they replied, "and are you trying to teach us?" Then they threw him out.”
These leaders are not teachable. They think they have Scripture on their side (“were Moses’ disciples. We know that God has spoken to Moses,” 9:28).
They won’t admit that they really just love power (John 11:48 “If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.") and they are blind to how that love of power and glory blinds and deafens them to the truth (John 9:41 "If you were blind," Jesus told them, "you wouldn't have sin. But now that you say, 'We see,' your sin remains.”; John 18:37-38 Jesus replied...”Everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice." [38] "What is truth?" said Pilate.)
My dear brother, we are cheering you on as you help bring many to freedom. Since a large part of our ministry’s audience consists of church leaders and older Christians, we are listening carefully to this conversation as we lead them to understanding what many younger people are experiencing. Our seminars and city events in 2024 are all designed to prepare them for a larger conversation on church hurt at our conference in 2025. You are loved, appreciated and prayed for by your new friends at Life Model Works.
Hi Dawn, you are certainly not alone. And I'm sorry. My wife, counselor, and trusted friends were my counsel at the time. If you can find anyone trustworthy who is willing to listen to your story with openness, curiosity, and compassion, it can be a good place to start.
I was really struck by your not leaving to "'find healing'"—I'm quoting your quotes because this was eerily almost word for word what I said to my sister this week, as I went no-contact with my entire abusive family. It's been nearly two years of trying to work with them and address the issues, but they refuse to be worked with—and say things like that, that my no-contact is for me, 'to find healing.' Yes; but really I'm stepping away from the knife that caused the wound. "Find healing" implies somehow that it is my problem, and sounds very gracious and therapeutic, without taking a shred of responsibility for the hurt.
Am I reading too deeply into your comment, by relating your experience with mine? I'm shocked that this could be a larger (language) pattern from people who refuse to take accountability.
Hi Deryn, thanks so much for responding. I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. I believe the phrase I used in my letter was that I was not leaving to "pursue healing."
I don't think it's too much to relate, and I'm sorry it's been so difficult. These things always are. I've found that leaving to "find or pursue healing" has often been used as a way to dismiss those who choose (or are forced) to leave toxic and abusive environments. It is unfortunately quite common in my experience.
Thank you for sharing this brave, clear, and ultimately kind and merciful letter.
Thank you Tasha!
Oh friend. I don’t really want to like this post, but there’s no heartbreak icon and I want to honor your sincerity and vulnerability. God will not waste your pain. I’m so sorry for the abuse and trauma you experienced, and praise God for your healing.
“Not taking action is taking action.” Yep. Unfortunately very relevant at the moment.
I could have literally copy and pasted this letter and sent it to the leadership of my former church as it captured exactly my own sentiments. I did end up sending an email with a similar intent, and not as eloquently written. But the response nonetheless (or lack of response) was the same. Sorry Brian that you went through this, and sorry that so many of us have similar experiences.
Brian -
Thank you. This is direct, while gentle, and well communicated. I appreciate your attempt to leave well, and I hope you can continue to come back from the wounding.
I also could copy and paste this letter to my former church leadership team. It continues to baffle me (although maybe it shouldn't anymore) at how common and similar these experiences are. It makes me look to God and ask what He is doing, because He is clearly up to something. I thank God that I see, but I've never understood the phrase "ignorance is bliss" more than I do today. WHEN will these toxic leaders and their complicit support systems WAKE UP? HOW many more precious people will be harmed, before the tide turns? I'm grateful for the healing in my heart, which has happened through lots of hard work and only with God's miraculous healing power. I appreciate your voice and your courage to speak out, with the voice that isn't intended to harm, but to heal. Your example is one I want to follow.
Brian, This is so beautifully written. It is so direct and yet still compassionate to the cause of God’s bigger Church and the hope (though unlikely) that the offender/s may be softened to see their acts against God and His people. I have followed your Summits and I can see the “beauty from ashes” that has come. Thank you for sharing this intimate look into your journey. God is not mocked. All will come to light. It is so sad and painful to be and see others in its wake. I am so grateful for your focus on healing and HOPE! It bothers me that so many get stuck in the muck (they aren’t to blame, of course!) and I am beyond thankful for your role in changing that!! Hope matters! There is STILL so much good happening in healthy churches and believers all around. It needs to be tapped into to add bits of joy to the long journey of healing. We have recently changed churches (just as the body, not on staff) and it was hard, but has made a world of difference in each one of our family. Well done on the Exit. At least you know you did your part in trying to shed the light in a dark corner. With much appreciation, your Sister in Christ, Bonnie
I've been listening to John Burke (Imagine the God of Heaven) and Randy Kay (Near Death Experiences). Feeling. Feelings get talked about a lot. Especially love. An NDE experience overwhelmingly is describing experiencing love FROM Jesus ENORMOUSLY.
Somewhere along the way, I remember Jim Wilder (Life Model Works, Joy Starts Here) saying attachment pain is the most painful thing we experience. Church cultures are not centered around being seen (Curt Thompson "We all come looking for someone looking for us. And it never goes away.") and requiring belonging. Dallas Willard defines love at paying attention. This generation of pastors has no recognition of that, that our core design in His image. At least in the "evangelical" realm. (I mean evangelical as theology, not politically.) The acquisition and competition model for organization, NOT Jesus love model has been fully embraced and created this widespread spiritual abuse culture.
I think what you are doing is important and it will help Scot McKnight define what is wrong and, ultimately, sin. I hope that you will develop what you see as needed to teach young people wanting to pastor what Jesus wants. Educating people, especially future "elders", is critical because confronting power is costly.
oh wow. Forgot I actually organized thought and verbalized that. Sounds even better and accurate now.
My wife decline to do an exit interview, ironically only offered after she was fired. Before that unanimous elder decision, no one talked to her. No one asked for her side of the story. The 12 elders just took the senior pastor at his word. Sadly, I found that the interaction between the religious leaders and the healed blind man in John 9 matched our experience, including their rhetorical question in John 9:34, “You were born entirely in sin," they replied, "and are you trying to teach us?" Then they threw him out.”
These leaders are not teachable. They think they have Scripture on their side (“were Moses’ disciples. We know that God has spoken to Moses,” 9:28).
They won’t admit that they really just love power (John 11:48 “If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.") and they are blind to how that love of power and glory blinds and deafens them to the truth (John 9:41 "If you were blind," Jesus told them, "you wouldn't have sin. But now that you say, 'We see,' your sin remains.”; John 18:37-38 Jesus replied...”Everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice." [38] "What is truth?" said Pilate.)
My dear brother, we are cheering you on as you help bring many to freedom. Since a large part of our ministry’s audience consists of church leaders and older Christians, we are listening carefully to this conversation as we lead them to understanding what many younger people are experiencing. Our seminars and city events in 2024 are all designed to prepare them for a larger conversation on church hurt at our conference in 2025. You are loved, appreciated and prayed for by your new friends at Life Model Works.
Hi Dawn, you are certainly not alone. And I'm sorry. My wife, counselor, and trusted friends were my counsel at the time. If you can find anyone trustworthy who is willing to listen to your story with openness, curiosity, and compassion, it can be a good place to start.